Updated: Jan 10, 2020
People ask me all the time, "What will make me more confident?"
And as unsexy as it is, my answer: knowing what crushes your confidence.
I know! We don't wanna talk about that crap, huh?
But knowing what sets us down the road to self-doubt is actually the best way to begin learning how to build self-confidence that we can muster up quick and painlessly.
So - how do we get there? How do we get to the quick and painless path of confidence?
(which for the record - IS achievable!)
We start by taking it back, looking at what dims our light, and taking a genuine interest in healing the wounds that bring us down and create new thought patterns that lead us to confidence more quickly.
This activity can be done as a reflection, as in, you sit and think of a time you were overrun with self-doubt and work through these five steps.
1. Understand what sets you off
When self-doubt comes up, take note.
What's happening in the situation and what set you off?
If you're in public, did someone say something, do something?
If you're alone, did you see something, remember something?
Are you trying to accomplish something?
Are you scrolling social media comparing your feed to another?
What sets you off can be different from what sets someone else off so this particular activity is important because it's about what sets YOU off.
2. Underlying Assumptions
If something has set you off, there is likely something deeper brewing there.
For example, if you're listening to someone talk about how successful their next business launch was and you think "oh dang, mine wasn't that good" and you begin to tear yourself down - the assumption here is that your launch was "bad" when in actuality, comparing someone's form of success to your own is doing you harm and creating barriers to your potential future success.
3. Which brings us to our next step - Recognizing the Potential Impact
You've been set off and now your assumptions are running wild in your brain!
You forget to put them in check and now you're emotional.
You can't focus on the job.
You can't focus on your goals or even consistently showing up.
Did you just snap at our VA?
Allowing these assumptions to run free, and your triggers to go unacknowledged not only affects you personally but can make a bigger impact on your career and your team.
From the example above, rather than comparing as good or bad, you have the opportunity of meeting that person, getting insight to their launch - this can be very impactful to your business. But if you're cowering in the corner shutdown from comparison, you'll miss the opportunity.
4. BREAK THE CYCLE!
This step can be the hardest to attend to if you haven't taken the time to work through the above 3.
~~~ How can you begin to break the cycle if you're unsure what's causing it? ~~~
Becoming more aware of the underlying problem allows you move forward with possible solutions that can help you feel better and stir away from repeating your self-deprecation in the future. TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
Using the example from step 2, if your default setting is to compare your success to someone else's success and afterwards feel so bad that it's impossible to work on your next step, try a new route.
If comparison is a regularly triggering situation for you, adjust the adjoining assumption to something less destructive and more supportive. "Wow, my launch didn't go as great as hers did..." Welp - Many factors could have attributed to that: size of our team, our experience with launches - I'm going to keep working on it and make my next launch better than my last launch!"
Removing the comparison of two separate people with two separate goals can keep your head above water. Your assumptions are Everything! Change them in your mind and you can change them in your career.
5. Celebrate Your Learning ~ This step is crucial, y'all!
This work tends to be hard work and we forget to celebrate the time and effort we put in.
I like to equate this work to the same work you do at your job.
You do the work >>> You get a paycheck.
A lovely reward!
The same goes for the work you do on our mental health.
Remember to tell yourself Good Job! as you get through these.
It helps positively reinforce this process naturally and habitually.
The more you do it, the more it will be a natural reaction in the moment of a situation vs something you have to struggle through. Practice makes progress and practicing these steps will progress your level of confidence the more you do them.
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